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In a brand-spanking new report issued by the Department of Homeland Security (or the better-known House of Un-American Activites) it has been determined that guns do not fuck people; people fuck people. This is in the wake of salacious public debate over whether or not to use a gun to curry sexual favors during dates, which had been occurring frequently in modern dating all over the nation. What the study proved was that when sex was not assented to the gun would be used in an execution-style murder. It had been previously thought the gun was being used to merely "fuck the sex opponent." In recent light of events, however, it has been determined the guns were not being used to have sexual relations with people, but the people themselves were having sexual relations independent of said gun with each other in a disgusting array of positions and with an insatiable and animalistic appetite for it. The gun was, it can be said, present in some cases, but not used as the weapon of penetration. Some vegetables have been called into question to round out the report, as people themselves felt threatened by the idea that people were exclusively having sexual intercourse with other people and would not agree to the idea all sex was happening between people and people alike, but also other objects as well, including bits of furniture. Neither the vegetables nor the furniture could be reached for comment, but their lawyers have assured the DHS that only humans with guns have been using each other as sex opponents and everyone can just, as they have put it, "Fuck off."
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