Many people today are concerned about what legitimate rape really is. Is it getting that A+ in school from a teacher you don't want to sleep with, or is it fucking your local pastor with the hopes he won't rat you out to your folks for all that pot you had stashed in your panties--Colorado and Washington excluded? Legitimate rape is when Jesus tells your uncle to get drunk and make some babies with you. There are many forms of legitimate rape; your dad, your uncle(s), policeman, doctor, town drunk, homeless guy who huffs airplane glue behind the 7-11, or anyone else who hasn't been mentioned. You'd think the predominately Republican view on this came right from the hillbillies of the Ozarks. While this is true, modern city folk needed to adapt the concept for politicians to be able to exploit this new kind of sex worker--nearby or extended family. So the next time you want to show your new tooth off, show it to someone who cares, and who will give you the Crystal Meth you need in order for you to keep your mouth shut, and for Jesus to deliver this beautiful new life unto the world, the coveted rape-baby. Family comes first, so do your cousins proud!
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